Why is it that our communication skills let us down when we need them so very much? And what can we do to fix this? This is a question I get asked on a regular basis by students in the context of interviewing, and by students in the context of preparing for an audition or a music exam. And I'm sure sports coaches hear it a lot too - communication here being in the form of playing a sport and communicating with team members effectively. Fight or flight syndrome plays a part here, and learning how to channel and fine tune nerves and adrenaline simultaneously is key to succeeding.
The 'valuing people' piece really caught my eye here. When we are in normal conversation situations, the focus isn't usually just on ourselves, it's on our friends or family that we are engaging in conversation with. We are probably asking questions, displaying our interest and engagement, and showing that we value this person and the conversation. However, as soon as we enter a situation that makes us potentially nervous, such as an interview or networking with people we don't know - the pressure and focus is on us. Both from ourselves, and from the other person or people. So as Robin Kermode tells us in the article, spin the focus. Show your interest, ask questions, demonstrate to the person that you value their time, and what they are sharing with you, or what they stand for. Your authentic voice will become audible. Being curious is a great tip. By asking questions, you are in fact, showing something relevant to an interviewer or new person that you're meeting. They will see you're interested to learn more, and you may even show knowledge and skills through your questions. There is a reason why interviewers ask candidates if they have any questions, and in turn why candidates are always advised to have a question to ask. It shows you have been listening, and you're still interested.
I was once given some advice for dealing with performance nerves, which I think is also very relevant to an interview situation. Remember that your interviewer or panel (or audience, in the case of a performer) may also be feeling nervous. So, your role is to put them at ease, reassure them and ensure that they have a positive experience. Again, this takes the focus and pressure off you, and shifts that focus.
Remember when you're talking to people that humans love stories. We remember them, we engage with them, and sometimes we can relate to them, and that's an instant step in the right direction. It's something to hook onto and take forward organically.
Communication skills are at the heart of being able to succeed in a role, and having some tips up your sleeve for when a challenging situation presents itself can be reassuring enough, but it's also worth trying them out.
However good at speaking you are, nerves make us behave in odd ways. They also appear at just the wrong time – during job interviews or important pitches. So if you are someone who suffers from nerves or a lack of confidence, rather than maintaining a facade, try focusing on these three ways of talking to regain control and connect with others:
